Saturday, September 30, 2006

The Fear of Motherhood

Before I was a mom I had the typical first-time mom fears: will I be able to stand the smell of dookie, will I know how to feed Alora, or bathe her, will she like me? But once that little bundle of joy came it was like all those things were second nature-- well, except for the feeding part; breastfeeding is hard! But really I loved being a mom and what made it easier was having such a smooth pregnancy. Every test that I took came back good, I felt good, and even at 8 1/2 months along I could run a sprint, (which I actually did once after a dog had been hit by a car.) But now that I am 7 months along with this pregnancy I realize how easy I really had it. Right from the beginning it seemed as though this pregnancy would be one trying task that was going to constantly bring me to my knees in prayer. Although this pregnancy has been one the most difficult things that I have been through, I am slowly beginning to see that childbearing is my cross to bear for this season. It has been one trial after the next, including: low hemoglobin, a scare with gestational diabetes, hypertension, excrutiating lower back pain and not to mention a leg covered by vericose veins. There are days when I feel as though I can't get out of the bed or nights when it takes me five minutes to get to the bathroom which is only ten feet away from my bedside. I have found myself asking, "Why Lord, why all this pain? What are you trying to teach me? Is it something I'm doing? When will you take this pain away?" But just today I have come to realize that this trial of motherhood is just as much a trial for the gospel as anything else. When we think of suffering for the sake of the gospel seldom do we think of the act of carrying a child as just that. But when I stop and think I realize that the ultimate reason for having children is to expand the kingdom by raising godly offspring who love Jesus. If I lose sight of this purpose I will ultimately reap sadness and bitterness instead of joy.


Bethany said...

I'm glad that even though you're going through a lot of pain this time, that you also realized the upside to all of it. And you're right that the true reason for having children is to raise a new generation for the glory of God, and God alone. I long for the day and chance to serve God by raising a family for Him. Hope to see ya'll soon!

Amy said...

The Day that it happens for you will be so exciting. I know that God will be glorified by you and your family. See you on Sunday Morning. We'll be there for the service and lunch. Can't wait. Love You

morgan said...

you guys are coming sunday? neways good luck with everything! see ya l8ter! bye bye!